New Milestone

Well, I finally did it. I reached 280 pounds. I am finally back down to my "lowest weight" since living here in Kinsley! Now, I just have to work extra hard to get past this point, as I never did before when I was trying.

This week is hard on me. I do believe it is coming close to my time of month. Last night and tonight, all I have wanted to do is eat! And, much as I hate to say it, toast is the weapon of choice. Loaded with butter. UGH. I really do hate cravings!!!

We finally got our lawn mower fixed. That is a huge blessing for me. It is a push mower. And, we have 3 city lots worth of land that needs to be cut all the time. With it being fixed, now I can get out there and do more movement. Also, since DJay is off work tomorrow, I would LOVE to go out and take a walk with him. A nice long one at that! Heaven knows I really need to get out there and move more, it will help with my weight loss. I wish I had the motivation that my friend Daphne has. That would make things so much better!

So, starting tomorrow, I am back on to doing things right. Back down on my calories, watching what I am doing, and being healthy. I am aiming to get some more movement in for the rest of this week as well. Wish me luck!!

Just a little blog

You know, I will admit it. I miss home. I miss Emporia, and all that it holds for me. My family is there, it is home.

Being there, I could not have to worry about this infertility issue I have. My family loves the fact that I have Aubrey, and they don't care if I have any more or not. It would certainly be easier on me and my emotions. I mean, sure my friends have babies.. but I wouldn't be forced into seeing them all the time. Not like I am here. You know, I took a couple of weeks not being around Karla and her new baby, and I was finally at that point where I was starting to feel more like myself. Come tonight and dinner at Jan's house... she showed up with him in tow. I instantly went back to depression, without even wanting to. I was trying to fight it. But see, this is the thing. I shouldn't HAVE to fight depression.

Being back home, I could do things with my family once again, things I used to love, things I really miss. Doing BBQ's on weekends, firework shows on the 4th of July with more after the big show, going over and simply visiting with my aunts and uncles. Let's not forget to mention...

Being in Emporia, I could take my husband and daughter to the park, where we could let her play on the equipment, go on long explorer type walks in their thick brush and the stream area. We could do simple picnic lunches. Go to the zoo and walk by to see the animals. Or, find a place to go fishing, which is something Aubrey has yet to do. Emporia has a roller skating rink, where we could take Aubrey and she could get her exercise, as could we. They have the movie theater, which holds summer movies for all the kids. She would still have Girl Scouts. She would have more of a chance to make more friends, because there are more schools available. Then, moving on to the schools, they would have more money available to them, which means they would be able to keep their teachers. Instead of debating whether to keep teachers or athletics and choosing athletics instead. GRRR....

True. There aren't very many jobs there. And it does cost more to live there. But I really miss it. I need an Emporia fix, and I need it bad!

Sorry, just needed to blog a little, get this off my chest..

A Horrible Week

It has been a horrible week. These damn emotions are getting the best of me. All I did was eat all week long... crap food too. You can tell because I stepped on the scale and I gained back 4 pounds!!

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I don't need to eat. I am trying to replace these emotions with other things, and it doesn't seem to be working. I am also struggling with my exercise, as always. This stupid weather is NOT helping me. Every time I do find the energy to get out and take a walk, it is storming. Sometimes, I really hate spring time in Kansas. Perhaps I just need to get out there and walk anyway, and hope that I don't get sick?

I tried to do my Biggest Loser Cardio DVD tonight. I only made it like 5 minutes into the actual exercise part of it, and all of the warm up. UGH. I just got to the point I was hurting and couldn't breathe.

Tawny and I were talking, perhaps we are setting ourselves too high of expectations. I did tell her I wanted to get to my healthy weight, and go show up all those people that used to tease me back in high school. Nothing would make me feel better than to rub it in their faces that they should have been nicer to me, that I really AM a beautiful person. I look at the photos of so many I knew from Emporia High, a bunch that used to be thin back in the day. I want to be better than them, even if just for once in my life.

My Tylenol PM is starting to kick in finally, but just a quick note to self before heading to bed...

Tomorrow, do NOT go off the planned food, no matter how shitty you feel. Try to think of the good things you have in your life, and go from there. Remember, eat to live, not live to eat. Think pretty, small, soft, cuddly smell good babies you may some day get to hold in your arms and NOT have to give back to the momma, because you WILL be the momma. Think of little James or little Erika, those babies you know you will someday have, even if your little Aubrey is out of high school.

New Weigh In

Well, I did it. I managed to lose 5 more pounds in two weeks time. I now weigh 283 pounds. Sadly, I did have set backs. I could have lost a lot more, but I have been struggling with emotional eating a lot lately. So I had mostly good days, but I did have a few where I binge ate. Those are the ones I am sad about. However, there is nothing I can do about them now, I just have to lift my head high, and move on.

I have it figured, I know how many calories I should be eating now to lose weight. They are:

(3)1326 (2)1826 (1)2326

The numbers in parenthesis are the number of pounds I can lose each week eating that number of calories per day. I have decided that I am going to stay between 1,300 and 1,400. I have been getting some mild pains in my chest, and they are no doubt due to the amount of fat I have pressing against my lungs and heart. So the quicker I can get some of that off my body, the better I may start to feel.

I do realize once I reach a certain point, I will have to slow down. Obviously, I will NOT go under 1200 calories in a day. So when it gets to that point, I will just simply up the calories. Even if this means I won't lose more than a pound, maybe two, a week.

I still have a ways to go to reach my first mini goal of weighing a 250 pounds maximum weight by my sister in law's wedding. She is getting married August 15th, so I have 16 weeks left to reach that weight. That means I would have to lose at least 2 pounds a week. I think I can still manage this, as long as I have no more crappy set backs like I have been having.